The Daily Open Minded Writer

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this idea and concept because, in all honesty, there is not much I like about myself or have enjoyed about myself for many, many years despite being damn good at my job, despite continuing to grow my career to something I am genuinely proud of, despite having one of the most rewarding portions of my career with so many opportunities that I would be a foul to not be trying to take advantage of them, I still honest to god hate when I look into the mirror and see what is staring back at me with every fiber of my being. I look at pictures of myself throughout my life and am disgusted by what I see. I honestly think I have three photos from my life that I do not absolutely hate. I think it would be different if I did not go to the gym or if I was not generally in decent shape or significantly better shape than most people the same age as me. I am, without a doubt, a powerhouse in the gym. Well, I used to be a powerhouse, but that is a different story for another time; the important thing is I am back on the road to being the monster in the gym I once was. I will say it is absolutely amazing the toll your body takes when your mental health crashes into oblivion. In the last month alone, I am down 35 pounds ( no, it was not done the healthy way, and I still currently struggle to eat much of anything), but I am trying so hard to get back on the road to something what that something is fuck if I know at this point. I honestly thought I had my life thoroughly planned out and knew my future, and then September 9th, 2024 happened; my life will never be the same again, and currently, I have no idea what my future holds, but until I figure that out, I am on the path of personal exploration to figure out who the fuck I am and what all this means for me and the direction I need to take my life, hopefully one that I can walk into with a new sense of self-worth, joy, and maybe a little pride in myself because right now I have absolutely none of that despite everything I have accomplished in the last 2 years alone I still hate who I see in the mirror.

When looking at who I am no longer willing to be, I struggled to find anything I was willing to be for a very long time. I struggled with this idea, this concept, and how to write it because I really did not know where to start, which is why I feel it is so absolutely paramount I push myself to help define who I am no longer willing to be with the hope that one day I can look back on this and start to see some form of self-compassion and perhaps for the first time in my life some self-love if that is all possible. I don’t even in the slightest expect this to happen overnight or even within the next month, but perhaps within the next year to two years, I can write an update to this post and have something to show for all of these tough questions I am asking myself so here goes nothing . . .

I am no longer willing to be the villain in someone’s story to be used for their gain and amusement. I am no longer willing to take on the burdens of everything while I continue to take on more and more roles and more and more tasks, so much so that I am just barely treading water and keeping my head above the waterline because I am so close to losing it from the utter weight of everything crushing me. I am no longer the person who does not ask for help when I need it, both physical and mental. I need to know I am loved by words of affirmation and support, and physically because I need physical contact, I need hand holding, I need hugs, I need kisses, I need to make love with my partner, and I am no longer willing to be someone who just settles for less than that. I am no longer willing to be the person who does not set boundaries because they may come off as controlling or mean and just letting you do as you please while I continue to struggle and nothing is done to help me through my struggles. I am no longer willing to be the guy who sits in silence with his heartbreak and pain and does not feel safe and comfortable to express it because I should feel safe to express myself; I should be able to go to my partner of all people and know they are there for me day or night from the times I come home and just want to feel their warm embrace after one hell of a night at work or just because I have a lot on my mind I need to vent out or have someone help me make sense of it all. I am no longer willing to be used for someone else’s financial gain and then have it turned around and be spit in my face time and time again for one reason or another that I am not good enough, I don’t make enough, or provide enough in one manner or another. I will no longer be the man who attaches his self-worth to the relationship he is part of, and if this means I am alone, then so be it. I will be alone until the time is right, or I will just get the Malinois puppy I have always wanted and devote my time, money, and effort to the dog’s development, training, and skill set. I am no longer willing to hate myself day in and day out. I am unsure how to fix this right now, but I hope with time, I can find a solution to this problem or a way to lessen this burden. I am no longer willing to be the man who accepts less than I deserve because I give everything my all. Yes, my communication and emotional expression need some work, but that is the road I am on learning to communicate my wants, needs, and desires for my relationship, and I mean everything from how I want to discuss disagreements to how I want my sexual side of my relationship to be and need it to be. I am no longer willing to be the super timid guy who is scared to speak up, or my co-workers feel I am being abused in my own home and are becoming genuinely worried about me because I am so timid all the time and fearful of upsetting anyone. I am no longer willing to be the guy who needs an apology jar because I apologize non-stop for everything, including things that are out of my control or for things I had nothing to do with because I feel like I am guilty in some format or another. I am no longer willing to be satisfied with mediocrity in my personal life and a shared life with a partner. I want it all, or I want nothing, because if you are not willing to support my hopes and dreams as I work my ass off to make them a reality, then why be with me at the end of the day. I am no longer willing to be the guy who absolutely hates my physical appearance; yes, I know I am bald. I have to shave my head so I don’t have that quintessential cul-de-sac on his head. Yes, I know I am absolutely covered in body fur everywhere else (which is God’s idea of a cruel joke). Still, I am so tired of giving others the power to make me feel less of a person because of it, so I am either gonna wax it, laser it, or just come to terms with this is who I am. Take it or leave it. I am no longer willing to be the guy who has passive anger; I will work on and towards being the guy who can have constructive disagreements that not only end the issue but also create a viable solution to the problem instead of just pushing the issue down or sweeping it under the rug hoping to never think of it again only for it to fester and become 100x worse then it was in the first place. I am no longer willing to be the guy who is told they can’t do something and then instantly feels as though they will never be able to do it because they made a mistake when I first started to try something new; I started this when I baked my first batch of from scratch chocolate cookies to prove to myself I could actually bake something and not fail and this has progressed into a full-blown self-care task I do weekly now. I am no longer willing to be the guy who pushes himself so hard and beyond the point of burnout that I do not know which way is up, so I will slow down when I can; I will take the time to have small amounts of self-care even when it doesn’t always work I need to try just to give my life some form of enjoyment as stupid as I feel 99% of the time when I am baking, the only bright side of this is that my coworkers love the cookies I bring in to them weekly. Finally, I am no longer willing to be the guy who does not give myself any form of self-compassion or self-forgiveness, I have always been hyper-critical of myself since I was a little kid, and to this day, I can accomplish something major or save a babies life. I will still find something to bash myself on. I need to stop and try to be proud of myself once in a while regardless of how small the accomplishment is because all work and I should be better, should have done this, I will do this, or I need to be better has only driven me into a deeper and darker place in my life and we have officially hit an all-time low.

I realize this is a lot, but every incredible journey starts with the first step, and this is the beginning of my path of self-discovery and being able to define who I am.