The Daily Open Minded Writer

I was talking to a friend about my life, feelings, and whatnot. She is, of course, a psychology major who has completed it along with many other certifications dealing with counseling and whatnot. The idea of how others perceive us came up. I casually stated I was pretty sure everyone or almost everyone in my life either tolerates me or just deals with me, and no one truly likes me around for one reason or another. This, of course, started a spiral into a large rabbit hole we then had to explore because she happens to find people’s mentality and thought processes fascinating and intriguing because she always tries, like I do, to come from a place of understanding instead of a place of criticism. I, for the most part, have a very open mind concerning people; that being said, I know, like anyone, I have some things I would never ever be ok with like anyone, but for the most part, I am or hope I am a very open-minded person. I hope most feel very accepted by me. Granted, I do not always portray the most fluffy bunny exterior, but that comes with being a bigger person who works out a lot and enjoys lifting stupid heavy weights because it is fun for them (I knew I should have just gone into strongman competitions).

Overthinking, I think this can be looked at in multiple different ways, but in my case, I am constantly apologizing for everything. I know, I know, it is a horrible thing, and it does not look good on me as a person or someone with any semblance of self-pride or confidence. Truth be told, I really do not have much in the way of self-confidence because most of my life, I have been beaten down in one form or another and always told I could not do XY or Z because of whatever reason they had at the time. A great example was I weighed 300 pounds at the age of 20 or 21, and I was super overweight. I was a smoker and hooked on drinking energy drinks non-stop to be able to keep moving. I had 0 in the way of direction in my life because I had been lost more than I had had any real goal. Well, not so much as lost but more so I had an idea of what I wanted. Still, I had no real plan on how to get myself there, so instead, I was left treading water with these massive lofty goals and no actual clear-cut path to get what I wanted, or I thought I would honestly like for myself as I continued to age and damn, now I am still halfway in that boat because I thought I had my life planned out, I thought I had all the answers. It was finally going in the right direction, and I was on the path of true fulfillment of everything I was created to do, and SMACK, I got the big middle finger there.

I have always struggled with the idea that I am not good enough in every facet of my life. You name it, I can give you an answer or example of where I have fallen short in my eyes. I am beyond critical of myself, but I do not have a reason why I am so hard on myself or where it comes from this is the defining moment that caused it all, like some villain’s back story ( Yes, I am a huge nerd and yes its time I start to sprinkle in some of my real personality). Honestly, I wish I did have some defining moment like that so I was able to look back at the root cause and point to it and maybe work through it or overcome the obstacle in my path, but I don’t; I just feel hallow all the time and have for many years now because I just don’t feel good enough or I fail to measure up 16 ways to Sunday.

All of this being said I think this brings us to the title of overthinking; maybe our biggest enemy in the battle of life is ourselves. But then it brings into question my identity because I have been fighting for an answer to this question for a reasonable amount of time. I do not know who I am genuinely. At one point, I thought I did, but was this another mask I put on and lied to everyone, including myself, or was that really me? Before I continue here, I would like to make a point that I am not looking for pity points or platitudes or anything of the sort. I understand that life is what you make of it, and everyone has the ability to change something. And I have done a lot of that, but it never ever solved how I really felt on the inside; even on some of my most significant accomplishments, they felt hallow like, great, I did this, so did countless others before and after me I am not special I am not different. I do not expect to be different or unique, though one day I would like to be someone special or other, I am not entirely sure that’s in the cards of life for me, but that is another conversation.

I guess this all breaks down to I would like to be happy with the person I look at in the mirror and be able to smile and not point out all the flaws I see, I would like to look at my career and smile, be proud of what I have done and what I continue to do and not feel as though I do not measure up constantly, and most of all I want to feel like maybe every once and a while I can do something right and not have the need to apologize non-stop because I cant talk or do something right.