The Daily Open Minded Writer

I have written, deleted, edited, rewritten, and started over this post more times than I can count. This post has also been on my mind for the better part of six months, trying to figure out how to write this and put thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I have been going through into single or multiple coherent thoughts that not only make sense but convey what I am trying to say and let’s just be honest here, I am a horrible writer, but with that being said I am trying to get better at this expression thing, so here it goes . . . .

I was watching the Flash, of all things. It was at a point in the storyline where Firestorm, known as Dr. Martin Stein, was discussing moving forward in life. He had to go away to learn from someone who actually knew more about the combined powers of Firestorm and how to become the best superhero possible. It was an emotional moment because Martin had to say goodbye to his long time wife who he had known his whole life and the other character who was the other half of Firestorm had to say goodbye to his wife who he had just reunited with after believing he was dead for most of the show until this point in the story line.

Now don’t get me wrong here (yes, I am a complete closet nerd without question), but the reason I bring this up is because it was how Dr. Stein was talking about how the past is what brings us to moments of extreme trials and it was those moments of extreme trials that define us and who we are. Not just who we are, but also how we move forward with our lives after the fact. Now this is where the title of the post comes from because he made it a point to talk about a Hebrew word, because, well he played a Jewish character I believe but that is not the point, what is the fact is the meaning behind the word which translated means forward or onward depending on the context that it used.

That word, or more so the meaning behind the word, is what has really spoken to me, and it got me into a really, and I mean really, deep rabbit hole of thinking. I say this because this last year really has been such a blur due to the extreme amount of just non-stop blows I have taken, now don’t get me wrong, either, when I say that I have made a few major mile stones in my life as well but I keep looking at those mile stones I have achieved and wondered if it was all worth it or did I sacrifice everything in the name of moving forward with my life and then it occurred to me what the hell does moving forward in life even really mean because it could me a better career, a better lifestyle, less worry financially or struggling less and being able to have more free time to devote to those things I have always wanted to do that I could not do before due to time constraints and the constant demand from due dates and course work that needed to be completed or is it just being able to sit on my couch and burnout on Netflix with no care or worry about having to do another task or prep for another test or write another meaningless paper because god did I write a ton of those or what felt like meaningless at the very least. I have just reached a point that I honestly never thought I would be able to achieve, having completed school and opened a multitude of doors that I knew I always wanted, but never thought I was good enough to walk through. I did it despite a massive and, I mean, enormous amount of odds that were stacked entirely against me. I freaking did it, and yeah, part of me is proud of it. Still, the other part stands there and says, ‘So what?’ You did the same thing that millions of people before you have done, and others continue to do. It’s not anything to be proud of; it’s something that should be expected to be done in the course of one’s life. This is were one of my most significant issues in life comes into play because I never have felt good enough internally with my self I have always wanted to be better, do more, strive to learn more, be the guy that everyone says hell yes I am working with him I know I am good because he will always back me up and if things go crazy then he will fix them and make it right.

I suppose I thought I would have a lot better feelings about the whole thing, moving forward and achieving such a significant accomplishment. Instead, it felt incredibly and, I mean, astonishingly hollow, like I had submitted my last assignment and was done. All I said was “wow, that’s it?” and then I received my diploma in the mail and laughed, saying that all that work was for nothing more than a piece of paper with my name on it, which anyone could photoshop. I really thought that this would take a massive weight off my shoulders, not just create a time of being incredibly lost and just unsure of everything. I am sure that the other half of my life, outside of work, career advancement, and the like, has a significant role in this feeling, but I just thought it would feel a lot better than it does. And no, I am not trying to brag or rub anyone’s face in this either. It’s just how I feel.

So I sit here with the hope that writing out my thoughts and feelings on just my self and my life and how things have been going and where I hope to go helps me find that direction despite almost getting pancaked by a care yesterday on my bike (yes, I still have to laugh about it because if I don’t then I would never get back on my bike again). So here is to another post, and maybe just one small step forward in finding my way, my place, and discovering who I am in this complicated world of ours.