The Daily Open Minded Writer

    I think I need to start working on my vision for a year out for my self and to start working on something instead of aimlessly just floating in the sea of life and start reevaluating my goals because I was able to comokete the biggest one I have had for the better part of 8 years its not time to start looking at bigger and better things for me and my dog and the life I had always dreamed of having.  Unfortunately not everything went according to plan but I guess that is just how life is supposed to workout sometimes because I honestly thought I would have a partner next to me standing there supporting me and us building a serious future together and possibly looking down the pipeline to starting a family with my future and career all but secured and finalized but that sure as hell did not happen nor did anything I had hoped for except the completion of school so I guess I got part of what I was expecting and asking for in a way but this was not how I ever wanted it to manifest Unfortunately.  On the bright side, I conquered something I honestly never thought I would get after a while. Still, even now, as I say that I completed school, it feels so damn hollow and empty, like it really means nothing. Despite everything working out in the next few months, I will have over tripled my income overnight. Still, all of that means nothing when the vision you had of how everything would play out is nothing more than a distant memory compared to the reality I currently live in.

    Conquering my personal fear of failure is one of my first goals. I really want to have some semblance of self-confidence, even though I fake it really well, especially in cases where I am internally panicking and freaking out, trying to figure out the next move.  I don’t know how my coworkers haven’t figured that out yet because they are 10 to 20 times better at their jobs than I could ever hope to be, honestly. They look to me for support and the go-to guy for some instances and situations, but I legit just follow an algorithm, I just half ass memorized it, and know that failure is not an option. I refuse to let myself spiral and get into a complete panic, regardless of how bad a case may look at any given time.  Self-confidence has been something I have lacked throughout my life, since I was a little kid, and it has only grown since I became an adult.  Shit, I never thought I would be good enough to ride a motorcycle, let alone own one. Here I am not only riding (not nearly as well as I want too but hey I am still a new rider but I am trying) but I have a bike sitting in my garage that I still am shocked is sitting there everytime I walk into my garage because I never thought I would be one of those guys or have the income to pull it off but the bike was fair priced. I got a great rate, so on a total and I mean total impulse, I just went for it.  I remember thinking I had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting the financing approved because I have student loans, but damn, I had like 12 offers to finance the damn thing.  I do know that shortly after I started riding, I was honestly scared shitless every time I was on the bike, just like going 20 mph, I was internally freaking out, and I just could not for the life of me not stop death gripping the handlebars every time I was riding.  It took me to force myself to get on the bike, using the need to hit the gym as a means to ride the bike at the same time.  I was half way smart with it and picked times of low traffic and what not, to go out and get used to and improve my over all skills with shifting speed and comfort not only just riding but in different conditions such as rain, dark, day, and cold because the bike changes how you ride with any given change in the environment which you dont think about until you ride and ride pretty regularly but it took a good month month and a half before I was able to say I went on a ride and genuinely was able to smile and just have fun riding and enjoy the experience of riding with no real destination and music blasting in the helmet and just seeing where the road took me and wondering around the city in the dead of night just to enjoy the experience.  All of this has been said because I need to build just a foundation level of self condfidence that if I set my mind to somthing no matter the task (given its a legitimately obtainable task) I can do it and that I am not a horrible person nor am I a burden on anyone either in my professional life or personal even though I hate having to ask for help. I view it as a personal failure on my part because I wasn’t capable of doing something on my own. Still, that’s partly because my old man raised me to be highly self-reliant and independent, which I am now learning is not always a good thing, according to many of my coworkers, as it can lead to me feeling overwhelmed at work. I hate having to ask for help or any form of backup because I want to be the one giving the backup, not asking for it.  I wish to not have so much anxiety and constantly worry about anything and everything, and nonstop apologizing for shit that doesn’t matter or I had no control over in the first place.  I genuinely feel bad when bad things happen. Still, it’s also just in hte last year gotten entirely out of control to the point I feel like I can do nothing right when clearly I am doing right or I would not have a job, I would not have finished school with honors, and I wouldnt be sitting here with the free time to type this all out. Still, I think it’s time to start tackling this, and at the very least, within the next year, I should cut the number of apologies I give in half. I feel like that is pretty obtainable.  I do know it’s really not going to be easy because it’s just become second nature to me anymore. Still, perhaps this will prompt me to truly consider what I am going to say before speaking it, so that I can communicate with substance and confidence (not arrogance, as there is a clear distinction between the two). However, it’s not always perceived that way.

    Another thing I really want to learn how to do is just have fun like be able to go out do things and just enjoy my self like for so damn long now my life was eat, breath, sleep, work, school, and try to fit the gym in when I could (assuming I wasn’t working on one of the million school projects I had to do).  I really don’t know how to have fun and just enjoy myself anymore outside of the gym, but for so long, it has become more of a chore than a fun activity. Still, I think the problem there is that I am working out with no real goal in mind so now that I talk it out its probably a good idea to think of a new competition or event that would do me some good to be part of so I have a legitimate reason but also something to keep me motivated to keep going day in and day out but back to the original thought.  I think another idea that could combine well with learning whats fun and just trying to enjoy my self a little bit is maybe find a few decent freinds to hang out with on a semi regular basis because for so long its just been me and my dog and no one else and because well I dont really go out because I dont drink nor do I find clubs the least bit intresting I just have kind of failed or didnt really care that I didnt go out or really feel I was entitled to fun because I always had something to work on do or finish before the deadline. Now here I am sitting on my couch looking at the wall, going “well shit, how the hell did I get to this point?” but I guess now is a good time to work on fixing it, or at least I hope I can make positive changes.

    I think one of the biggest things I want to absolutely and desperately more than anything I think is to be able to look in the mirror and be able to smile, or shit I would take a half smile at this point and be kind of happy with how I look instead of being mortified with the person looking back at me.  I want to just have a basic level of personal pride and self-confidence with how I look and feel.  I am not looking to be the next giga Chad with an 8 pack that the opposite sex just absolutely drools over. Still, I would like to just not feel like a fat slob and actually like how clothes fit me vs. using like 5 layers to cover up because I hate how I look and how I feel like 99% of the time.  I hate how my riding jacket feels on me (yes, I am aware a racing-level jacket should be tight and form-fitting and it’s designed to protect me, but I can’t help but feel like a whale every damn time I put it on and zip it up).   So I think this year will be a massive focus on diet and gym time. I think focusing on some serious gains (just getting stronger, faster, more physically fit), nothing crazy. Still, it might be good to put my Whoop to good use instead of it being on my wrist for no other purpose than just to be there, because when I was doing non-stop CrossFit, I used that data like no other. Hence, I mind as well put all the health data to good use and start making some good choices and really pushing my self once more both physically and my mental resilience when it comes to cardio because that shit is the god damn devil I don’t care what you say there is no such thing as a runners high and if there is god help me find that shit.

    Finally, I think it’s time to revisit the hobbies I started but put aside while I was in school, and perhaps reconnect with some of my old interests.  I was really thinking about trying out snowboarding this winter again granted I would be considered a new boarder once again because its been working on 20 years since I hopped on that thing but shit I don’t think it would hurt to start all over again and at least try it I mean who knows I might pick it back up faster then I think I would.  I would also like to dig deeper in things like sausage making and making more things from sctatch because I really want to up my cooking game to a whole new level from decent home cook to a really good home cook and work on mastering the combination of flavors and sauces and main dish combined with the right side dishes and maybe learn how to elevate some of my healthy eating dishes to a new level with better flavors more sauces that are healthy or something to make me more excited to want to eat the dish instead of feeling like I am eating the same shit over and over and over again but part of the issue there is I find a really good meal prep recipe I like then I make it over and over and over again until I am absolutely sick of it and move on to another and go down the same rabbit hole mainly because its just easier to prep one style of dish 30 times over trying to mix it up because well its alot more work but with the given extra time I have it might be to my advantage to expand my go to recipies and really start changing what I eat on a semi regular basis and step out of the world of nothing but chicken breast maybe add some steak or beef or some pork or something just to have some other flavors in the mix.  I wish I could learn how to make a homemade version of the protein pasta available in stores, but everything I have tried either turns to mush after freezing or just doesn’t taste good at all. However, I think I will continue to try to find one.

    Finally, I just want to find myself. Who I am anymore, because over the last few years, I really feel like I have lost myself in the endless abyss of work and school in the never-ending pursuit to better myself. I really feel like I lost myself in the process. I just don’t know who I am anymore, and I would really like to be able to look in the mirror and say, ‘Yes, that is me, that guy!’