The Daily Open Minded Writer

I haven’t been writing because I just have not had motivation outside of merely getting up, going to work, and making it through my work day, dealing with whatever bull shit is thrown at me that day, and getting back home with just enough time to try and eat something and then get ready for bed and get up and do it all over again the next day.  Then on my off days, I have enough motivation to get up, shower, and maybe hit the grocery store if I’m lucky; otherwise, I am just lying on the couch with zero motivation to do much else besides lie there and binge whatever TV show on Netflix I happened to find that day.  I have been going on like this for quite some time, actually. I got so caught up in what felt like Groundhog Day, it’s been months, even though it really feels like just one never-ending week with just more pointless tasks added onto my plate for little to no reason other than “it needs to be done or it’s for the development of your career”.  Though after it all, I am still not sure how anything really applies to me, nor do I honestly care at this point.  In all honesty, I am finding it hard to care about anything. I thought it was because I stopped going to the gym and chose to lie there instead. I tried a week or so at the gym every other week, but that did little more than make me stupid sore and demoralize me even more than I already was.  So it’s either binge-watching Netflix or swiping endlessly on YouTube for hours, or just going to work and trudging through the day just to make it to the next day, and that’s how my days, weeks, and months have been since I last wrote. Now, to be fair, I have had writing on my to-do list; I couldn’t find the motivation, desire, or mental fortitude to sit down and write.  I know I need this more than I want to admit because it lets me vent my feelings, emotions, and the many thoughts that cross my mind that I can’t really say to others (not that I really have anyone to talk with nowadays). 

Now, the good news is that I have been moved to a new department, and it’s a significant change because my hours have shifted to a more steady, consistent work schedule (which is actually very welcome now).  The other nice thing is that the overall just working environment seems a little more up beat and I want to say that most of my new coworkers are actually semi happy to be there and not just there for the pay check waiting for the next ball of shit to roll down the hill and hit us all but that is the side effect of poor leadership vs. the leadership we once had.  Though I am still trying to find my place there, I am learning where I can be of some use and help, and I hope to do some real good there, in some form or another.  Though I am not sure about some of the higher-level people I work with because they either seem incredibly burned out or just sick of the way things are, and who really knows at this point, but I am doing my best to do as much as I can for them to hopefully take some of the overall burden off them. Still, I will see where else I can step in and do some good by shouldering that burden myself and decreasing others’ workload.

The other good part of this transition is that after the first week, I got pretty used to the new working and sleeping schedule, and now I finally feel pretty good, so I started back at the gym.  Though because I failed to go consistently or at all for that matter, my trainer dropped me under the justification of inactivity, which, by all accounts, is correct, sadly.  Though I did have honest intentions, and I want to say I understand why he dropped me, I think the worst part is that it really hurt. He pretty much called me on my bull shit, and now I have to pay the price for it.  I still have the gym membership, so that’s a positive. I picked up the app everyone was talking about called Gravl, and while I am aware that it is mostly AI-driven and not someone personally programming workouts for me like it used to be, it’s not bad, and damn, it knows how to make me sore as hell. Hence, I know it’s working and doing something.  At this point, I am willing to try anything that keeps me motivated to go back and keep my fluffy self making progress toward being healthy, strong, and fit.  This whole experience with the doc telling me that my liver enzymes are through the roof due to my significant amount of insulin resistance kind of really not only shocked me but also really hurt me because I eat such a controlled diet, or don’t eat at all to begin with.  So this will be the start of what I am gonna guess is gonna be a long journey to getting myself right once again.  I guess time will tell if the changes work or more drastic measures need to be taken, but I know I will move heaven and hell to prevent myself from going on medication because once I start down that road, I know all too well that it is absolutely game over for my health long term.