The Daily Open Minded Writer

I think I have been so depressed these last 4 or 5 months because I just feel so alone and so isolated from both the friends I once had and the family I do have.  I understand that when you walk into this life, losing friends is an inevitable part of your career choices. Still, it never makes it easier, and now that I live in such an isolated location with no family remotely close by, it’s a significant struggle to go home and see anyone. I feel so alone, and with the position I have, it’s damn near impossible to make any real friends at work, and I don’t really go out because I don’t drink or party.  The funny thing is, my idea of going out is going to Costco to go grocery shopping, or well, really that’s it, actually. Outside of that, I go to the gym, but there I keep my head down, headphones stupid loud, and keep to myself. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I want to get out and do stuff, but I don’t know, I get nervous and then the thought of being somewhere new alone kind of not so much scares me but makes me uncomfortable and then I end up just staying home and either binge watching Netflix or just playing video games and laying on the couch.  I mean, it took so much to force myself to deep clean the house top to bottom, but the good news in that department, at least my house is pretty damn clean for the most part, I mean, it looks lived in, don’t get me wrong, so it’s not OCD clean, but it’s definitely clean.  Anyway, back to what I was saying, it just sucks to feel so alone here, and the longer I am here, the less I really have a drive to go out outside of the gym and work, but I don’t even count work. 

I guess it’s time to force myself out of my comfort zone in an effort to get out there and try to break this endless cycle I have somehow slipped into, because if I don’t break these never-ending days soon, I am going to absolutely lose my shit and go off the deep end.  So this week I am gonna try to start keeping an eye out for things to do in the hope of meeting some friends or just new experiences to get out of the house and get away from work, and this never-ending, depressing feeling I have had for the last few months.  What I really miss is just being able to hop on my bike and go for a ride, and silence all the never-ending static in my head.  Ehh, who are we kidding? I miss being able to go to the bike meets on Fridays and just not thinking about anything going on in my life.  I was gonna try to get out more when this winter started, but that all went to the wayside. 

I think I also need to take time just away from the TV screen and find other things to do. Even if I have to muddle through it and it takes significantly longer than it should, because any progress on anything is still better than it was before, either unfinished or not even started.  Thinking about this, it comes to mind that spring is right around the corner, so maybe it’s a good start to start deep cleaning and decluttering everything, and minimize the amount of stuff I have lying around, and maybe create some semblance of order here, and with that, it helps decrease my overall stress and anxiety levels I have been going through nonstop or at least that is my hope it will.

This week, I am going to sit down and really set some real, obtainable goals to develop my personal life into something worthwhile that helps fulfill me, and honestly force myself just to be uncomfortable until I am comfortable.  One of the biggest hurdles I will have to overcome here is that there aren’t many places to hang out and meet like-minded people.  It could also be that I just haven’t looked hard enough until now.  I also thought about trying something like boxing or jujitsu. Still, I really don’t want to pay for another gym membership to try something and maybe find out it’s not for me, or that I don’t like the environment they train in, because I have CrossFit all over the country. I can confirm that, however you term it, the vibe or environment of the establishment is absolutely critical to a successful training regimen and to the sustainability of wanting to keep going back day after day, and to be honest, we all know I seriously struggle with dedication and consistency when it comes to going to the gym or getting my cardio in day after day or week after week.  This is, in part, because in the past I have always had external forces pushing me to keep going, to do better, and to be better than I am at the time.  Now I have myself pushing to be better, and I suck at keeping up the motivation because I plan to go to the gym, I want to go to the gym, but I sit down on the couch, and then it all goes out the window.  Then the day slips through my fingers, and before I know it, I am looking down the pipeline of when it’s time for me to go to bed so I can try and sleep so I can function at work, or in an effort to be more productive the next day. 

So this week, I am going to work on trying to better utilize my spare time so that I can try to be more productive, with the hopes that the longer I keep a strict schedule, the more likely it will just turn into a routine for me, because I think that’s really what I need more than anything outside of work is routine. After all, I thrive on it and make some serious leaps in my life forward when I do have one.